Day 42
Today’s Takeaway: What you resist, persists.
It’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s been full of really high highs & VERY low lows.
On Day 28 I wrote about experiencing a massive panic attack, which now looking back was more of a complete mental breakdown. In that post I didn’t specifically call-out a cause for that breakdown.
Well, it was the puppy. 😬 No shocker there, right?
Buying that puppy was the single most ridiculous, out of control, impulsive, moronic, but also just pathetic, thing I’ve ever done.
It’s okay, I know you were thinking it. No shade. 😂
But, it was also the catalyst for change. I knew on the first sleepless night I had made a major error in judgement.
Now you’re probably thinking, “you weren’t alone in that decision. Your husband bought into it too.”
No he didn’t. I was relentless, pushy, & annoying. It was like dealing with Veruca Salt in that puppy shop! He probably would’ve done anything to make me happy & shut me up. So when we got home & Eddie whined all night long, all I felt was TREMENDOUS guilt & regret. So overwhelming it made me reflect on all my past choices & caused a complete system failure.
Then the puppy got sick. Now I’m devastated, scared for this poor little thing, but so pissed at myself that I did this to our family. My impulsive, selfish decision had real & visible effects on my boys and marriage. ~ “Mother of the year over here!”
Now I know this next statement might rub people the wrong way, but when we had to sign over our rights to Eddie, although I felt massive guilt & grief, mostly I was relieved and grateful. I knew, deep down, no matter how sad this was, the puppy was going to be better off & the universe was giving me a do over ~ “You learned your lesson, now change!”
I took the hint. ♥️
Since this took place I’ve done the following things to improve my mental health and make a real change for myself & my family:
I got a therapist.
When I’m tired, I sit. When I’m sad, I cry. When I’m pissed, I talk. When I’m frustrated, I breathe. I actively try to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
I booked a surgery date for my hysterectomy (Usually the hardest decisions are the right ones. ❤️)
I moved my website launch till after my surgery & I stopped posting everyday. (No one’s pressuring me, but me.
I started listening to a problem w/out trying to solve it. Sometimes people need to vent and you can’t fix it. I never did that well.
I signed up for Noom. Instead of changing my body, I want to change my mind ABOUT my body.
I’m consistently reminding myself to slow down and be present.
I’m not saying I’m fixed after 11 days. I have A LOT of work to do. Probably a lifetime of work, if I’m being honest. But when I feel myself falling back on old habits, I just repeat the mantra…
“What you resist persists.”
I’m not fixed but I’m not resisting anymore. That’s something right? 😉
