Day 28

Today’s Takeaway: Be the change you seek.

I’m going to admit something right now that few people would probably say out loud. I judged depressed people who had panic attacks.

I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. I never could understand how people could think so negatively, or that you could have anxiety so intense it was paralyzing. When someone would confide in me, I would try my hardest to understand, listen intently, offer advice, and I would mean it. The intention was always authentic, but I would only ever be sympathizing not empathizing. And always silently grateful that, “I’m stronger than that.”

What an asshole, right?

It’s okay, you can say it. I was. Until I finally got there myself.

A lot of stuff has led up to this sabbatical. Not just in the last year, but the last 2 decades. I’m not special, we’ve all had our traumas and I’m not saying mine are any greater than anyone else’s. There’s just been a lot of them. Lots of death, lots of sickness - my own and the people closest to me.

Up until the pandemic I thought I was indestructible. A pillar of strength. I was so proud it blinded me to all the ways I was masking the depression I felt. Over-achieving, living for validation, a perfectionist, control-freak on a mission. Well today it all culminated in what I can only describe as my first real panic attack. The walls were caving in, I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts from invading. I was in full-fledged fight or flight. It was tremendously awful and a feeling I would not wish on my worst enemy. Honestly, even writing this I’m still coming down from it. However, as awful as it was it gave me crystal clear clarity.

I’m doing too much.

I realized when I’m depressed, I get productive. I add on project after project, set high standards and impossible goals. Parade it as ambition and strength, while it’s only a massive distraction from what I’m actually feeling.

Even this blog, which started out as a cathartic expression of my thoughts and feelings has taken on a life of its own. I’m not writing because I enjoy it anymore, I’m writing because I made a promise to a faceless audience that I would do it everyday. In my mind if I don’t fulfill that promise I’m a failure. But the truth is, by fulfilling this promise I’m failing myself. As hard as it is I have to use this sabbatical as it was intended…to rest and reset. Stop finding ways to fill the hole, and find out why the hole is there.

I’m not present in my life right now, and what I’m missing I won’t get back. So I’m going to start living this truth by only posting when I feel inspired to do so. This might seem small, but it’s huge for me. It’s accepting that this not failure, but progress. My goal with this was to be open and true about my sabbatical journey. This is me. This what I’m feeling. I’ve only ever wanted to inspire real change in people, so I have to be the change I seek.

I’ll see you for the next one. ♥️✌️