-3 Days
The Final Takeaway
I’m writing this last entry from my favorite space in NYC - The Atlassian New York Office.
That’s right, I’m back! Actually I’ve been “back” since Monday, April 24th, but logging in from my home office somehow didn’t feel as official. 😂
I was going to write a post on Monday, but then I took a page from my new book, and didn’t. I wanted to be present in that moment. I wanted to feel all the feelings I was going to have about it, good & bad. Feel them and process them, because what I’ve learned from this time off is I didn’t do that well.
I didn’t do that at all, actually… like, ever. I’m not trying to get the sympathy vote here. I know plenty of people have had it way worse than me. But to me, it felt like my whole world was imploding.
My ovarian cancer wanted to make an uninvited second appearance.
I had unknown, possibly cancerous, growths found in my breast and thyroid.
I had just left the job I LOVED on Trello after 6 1/2 years and I was spending any free time I had buried in building my external brand and LLC.
Now, just one of these things could make the most stable person…shaky. But behind all of this, my mom was in the fight of her life for her mental health. I’ve never spoken of this publicly and in respect for my mother’s privacy I will not go into detail. What I will say is, there have been many instances over the last 3 years where my mothers mental health battle has impacted our family in irrevocable ways. It changed me. In a very rapid and drastic fashion and it’s a VERY big part of my “Why?”
In December of 2022 we went through another episode with my mom and a week later I found out I might have cancer again….
Cue: “The camel.”
Drop: “THE straw.”
I was a burnt-out, manic, forgetful, depressed, EXHAUSTED, mess of a human. Now that I’m on the other side of that, it pains me to admit that I didn’t know what it was like to feel anything else. For as long as I could remember this has been me. On some level for the last 10 years, I’ve been a total & complete stress ball. I just kept stuffing it down. Every time something horrible happened…and there was A LOT of horrible over the last decade…the modus operandi was: “smile, remain positive, say some bullshit cliche like, “This too shall pass,” convince yourself you’re functional, and keep it moving.
I was able to keep that up for soooo long, mostly because I had already been given a new lease on life. After I beat cancer the first time and got bonus miracle children out of the deal, I felt unstoppable! I credited my positive attitude to getting me through cancer and routinely reminded myself that if I could get through this, I could get through anything.
I wasn’t wrong. I got through it, but the cracks were obvious and I refused to acknowledge them.
So my final take away for you: Don’t do what I did. Just because you buried your trauma so deep you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Deal with it! Whatever that entails… whether it’s therapy, medication, weed, rage rooms, meditation, binge watching bad reality tv….whatever your outlet is…Process that shit through it! It’s gonna be scary, it’s gonna suck, you’re going hate every fucking, waking moment of owning up to your own shittiness, but god damn is accountability liberating!
Now, I realize being able to take extended time off to have this epiphany is a luxury unafforded to many. I know how lucky I am and I’ll always be grateful to Atlassian for making it possible. However, you don’t need space to start making real changes. If you’re relating to any of this, do me a favor… stop lying to yourself. Your dog dying did affect you. Getting laid off from the job you loved is painful. It’s okay to be sad that your grandma died even though she was 101 & “lived a long full life.” Whatever you’re dealing with, your feelings about it are not exaggerated or stupid, you are not weak for having them, they are valid. Most importantly they need to be acknowledged and resolved in order for you to be a healthy human.
I’m not saying I have it all figured out. I still have a long way to go before I would consider myself “reformed.” Just saying, if you’re really suffering like I was, can’t hurt to try it. DM me if you do. 😉 Good luck! 🍻 🍀
P.S. Thanks for reading The Sabbatical Life. ❤️ If you enjoyed this stay tuned for my blog - Gather with LL…
