The 5 Events That Need to Disappear
As an experience designer I love all kinds of gatherings. Seriously, I will celebrate the opening of a letter. With my passion comes the conviction that all gatherings should be purposeful. This was a belief I’ve had my entire career, but it was further reinforced by the brilliant writing of Priya Parker in her book, The Art of Gathering.
The entire first chapter is dedicated to finding the purpose of any gathering you plan. She insists the process of defining your “Why?” will guide all your decision-making and ultimately help to create the best experience possible for your guests…and she couldn't be more right.
This is my process with every event and experience I create. Digging deep underneath the surface and asking “Why” until I get to the core reason, then I plan accordingly.
The following 5 events fail this test every single time…
1. Bridal Showers
Let’s rewind 40 years or so…Life is simpler and more traditional. Couples date, get engaged, and start looking for a home, all while living separately. People also married much younger at this time.They actually need the assistance from family & friends to take this next step in their lives. This is when bridal showers passed the “Why” test.
Fast forward to today - Couples are living together years before they ever think of getting engaged. They are getting married much later, first establishing their careers and investing time in themselves before anyone else. Because of this, they lead fully furnished lives! They simply don’t need the things that are provided by a bridal shower.
This leaves it devoid of meaning. You’re now paying for, or giving a gift simply because it’s just what you do, it’s tradition.
Well, I call bullshit for the following reasons:
You have everything! 40 years ago, we bought crock pots, bed linens, pots/pan, stuff that you’ve never owned before and would help you to start your life with your partner. This year I received an invite to a bridal shower requesting money only as a gift for the bride! Come on, people…surely, we’re better than this.
It’s greedy and selfish. Weddings today are incredibly expensive for everyone involved, parents, family, friends and even that random guy from college you decided to invite. It’s especially expensive for those in your wedding party. There’s like 3 different parties, outfits to purchase, hotel/travel accommodations, hair/makeup on the day, and a bevy of other things. Then on top of all of that, you want me to chip in and throw you a completely purposeless party to celebrate you… AGAIN?! Hell no!
They’re just boring. No one wants to be there, you know it, I know it, everybody knows it. So we show up in our little flowery dresses, have polite, mind-numbing conversation, play the same tired games and count the minutes until our lives start again.
Events that are planned purely for traditions sake are the worst! It’s expected to happen so it does…sounds real enjoyable, right? Trust me, the world would be happier without bridal showers. It’s okay to let go.
2. Destination Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties
This is actually a tradition I love, that devolved into a tradition I hate. What happened to one night?! All of us getting together, getting rip-roaring drunk and tearing up the town for one night of debauchery to say a fond farewell to your single life. That was great! And let’s be honest, I’m 40 years old. I can’t hang like I used to. You say we’re going to travel to Mexico to celebrate you for 4 days straight, my liver is already rejecting me.
Also, it’s again greedy and selfish. If I’m invited to the bachelor party, that means 2 things:
I’m probably in your wedding party, which means I’m already in debt!
We’re most likely close, but unless you’re a sibling, or a friend or cousin I consider a sibling, it stings me very much to spend my hard earned time and money on you.
People don’t realize what they’re asking. Especially to people with families. You’re asking me to burn my vacation days and money that I have probably saved for that vacation, on you. Sorry I would rather take my kids to Disney!
Like I said, this is a tradition I love. I’ve never attended a bachelorette party I didn’t enjoy. However, when people don’t ask the proper “why” questions during the planning process, the experience ends up slightly tainted with resentment.
Please bring back one night! You know you want that too!
3. Elaborate Gender Reveals
I know, how cute, right? How could I be so curmudgeony about such a sweet, and precious tradition?! It’s because they’re freaking stupid and they have no why. And this is coming from a person who had two of them.
A little hypocritical? Sure. But in my defense I’m specifically targeting elaborate gender reveals. For my first gender reveal I went to an ultrasound studio and invited 10 of my close family & friends to be in the room with my husband and I. They performed the ultrasound in front of everyone and then gave us a cupcake filled with blue or pink icing to discover the gender. It was small, intimate and served a purpose.
Then there are the elaborate ones. Full blown parties costing 1000s of dollars, with sky writers or fireworks. I even saw one once where they hired two WWE wrestlers; one wore pink and the other wore blue and they did a fully choreographed fight. The wrestler wearing blue won to let everyone know they were having a boy. Freaking cool idea, but completely unnecessary!
Here’s a why question for you….why are you spending your money like that?! You’re having a baby…buy a crib and some diapers. Kids are expensive.
4. Elaborate Sweet 16 Birthday Parties
I might get booed on this one, but seriously, nothing happens at 16! You’re too young for everything still! You can’t drive, you can’t vote, you can’t drink, you’re not even graduating school anytime soon. What are we celebrating exactly?! Also 16 is a terrible age, you’re still dragging your ass through puberty, super awkward, moody, and most of the time entitled. They’re never going to appreciate this grand gesture in the moment. They probably won’t even understand the value of it till way later in life when their own kids are asking for this stupid party.
Quincineras and Bat Mitzvahs narrowly pass the why test too. They’re saving grace though is being religious and cultural rights of passage; and when done conservatively they can be beautiful coming of age moments.
Do you know where the sweet 16 originated? It evolved from the Victorian Era. Originally called the Debutant party, it was the way to present a young woman to society in hopes of finding her a suitable husband. Last time I checked we weren’t living in Bridgerton.
It doesn’t apply to today’s day and age, and to be honest when you know the origin it’s kind of a cringy tradition. So the next time your daughter asks for a Sweet 16, strike a deal. Big party for your 18th or 21st instead. You know when you can actually do things.
5. Office Christmas Parties
Before you start scoffing at your screen, hear me out…I didn’t say Holiday parties, I said Christmas parties. I’m talking to the companies and people, who have not fallen in line with the more inclusive non-denominational nomenclature. Yes, I know you still exist.
Now let me be clear, that churches and, say, catholic school faculties, are exempt from this conversation. Obviously they would have a Christmas party. They are rightfully celebrating a religious holiday appropriate to their staff and work culture. However, even if you are a company built on christian values the chances that your entire staff observe Christmas is slim to none. You should be having a holiday party.
Whether you like it or not, the world is a melting pot. If you are in charge of events for your company, it is your responsibility to create an inclusive, enjoyable, and relatable environment for all. And trust me, there are few things more isolating for an employee than to attend a party dedicated to a religion they don’t celebrate. So the next time your boss tasks you with organizing the office Christmas Party, remember this post and be an advocate for change.
I leave you with this…
If you cannot find a deeper meaning past the “It’s tradition” reason, you begin to ask a different series of “why” questions. Like, “Why am I wasting my time on this? Why is this still a thing? “Why hasn’t this evolved?”
If you find yourself asking those questions, it’s time to retire old traditions and start innovating new ones.
